Hi again,
I don't know why but I felt the need to address one significant problem women with endo and pelvic pain have - relationship issues, but as I started to write I realized there is much I don't know about this aspect of the disease. So, I'll start, and you guys can send me your comments so that we can have a discussion about this and we'll all be better for it.
To start with, there are a couple of obvious issues for women with endo and their partners. The 800 lb gorilla is the sexual component, and how pain affects intimacy. We see a lot of couples with these problems, but since we're not "Dr. Ruth", we don't really delve into the emotional aspect very much (because hopefully these issues will be solved postoperatively). Yet I sense that these are very serious challenges that can either strengthen or ruin relationships. Some of the men are frustrated because they aren't as active as they'd like, yet at the same time they feel guilty when they do try intercourse and cause their wives/partners pain. Most of the women by the time we see them could care less about sex, all they want is their pain relieved, but underneath the immediate need for pain relief are the suppressed desires for a normal life and normal relations. Some couples can find other ways to share intimacy, replacing actual intercourse with other aspects of physical intimacy, or having deeper conversations to sustain the emotional intimacy. These are usually the ones that can get through these difficult times, sustaining each other when pain turns to depression and hopelessness. Other couples have difficulty and end up separating, probably for lots of different reasons - some sexual, some emotional, and some because they've lost their "normal life" that they used to have.
Another big issue is the husband/partner as caretaker thing. Some guys do this exceptionally well and are incredibly patient, doting, caring, and just great nurses. Other guys pull back into their shells when their wives/girlfriends are suffering, mainly because they don't know what to say or what to do. Here's a story for you - the first baby I ever delivered (back in 1988) was to a couple where the wife was pushing, screaming, and miserable, and her husband sat with his head on the back of the chair, looking at the wall. I thought he was such a jerk until I realized he was probably scared stiff and didnt' know how to help. I think there are quite a few guys like him - they want to do the right thing, but really don't know what to do. For men who are good caretakers, the issues change some when their wives have their surgery, then start to feel better. They have gotten so used to the "nurse" role, that it takes some adjusting to get things back to normal.
You can probably tell that I'm not a real expert in this particular area, but I think it deserves some discussion and consideration. I'm sure that all you ladies who are suffering and living with endo think about this all the time, and have a lot to contribute about your own insights and things you've learned over the years. I'd love to hear from you, because the more I know about what people are going through, the better I can counsel my patients and the more I can empathize with them.
Take care, and have a great week. I look forward to hearing from you!
Dr. Mos
Dr. Mosbrucker Completes Training. This month marks the successful completion of Dr. Mosbrucker's association and training with Dr. Redwine. Dr. Redwine states "she has unequivocally met all her goals". As soon as Dr. Mosbrucker has firm plans, we will post them here on our website.
Cindy M. Mosbrucker M.D.
- Dr. Cindy Mosbrucker
- Bend, Oregon, United States
- Dr. Mosbrucker believes that caring for patients begins with caring about the person first, easing their anxiety and developing trust before going into the operating room. She believes in treating every woman as if she were her own sister or mother. A Northwest native born in Tacoma, Wash., Dr. Mosbrucker previously practiced in Hawaii before accepting the apprentice position in Bend. She received her medical degree from Northwestern University Medical School in Chicago and completed her residency in obstetrics/gynecology at the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Md. She then served in the United States Navy in Guam and Pensacola, Fla., before starting private practice in Kailua, Hawaii, eight years ago. “I am very excited to be joining Dr. Redwine’s practice. Because he is one of the world’s leading experts in endometriosis, it’s a great learning opportunity for me,” said Dr. Mosbrucker. “I will also be bringing my specialties in laparoscopic surgery and pelvic reconstruction, so I can add some unique value as well.” “I’m also excited to live in Bend,” she continued. An avid outdoors person, Dr. Mosbrucker loves to ski, fish, hike, golf, kayak and cook.
8 comments:
Hi - Can you tell me if researchers have found a link between oxytocin and endo yet? Based on my own symptoms I am a firm believer that oxytocin has a role to play in the growth and symptoms of endo.
As far as your topic of sex, I don't think about it anymore. I loved sex but Endo has mangled my body too much for it to be a consideration and as a result I try to avoid any issues that are related to it, including movies etc that may have it in the subject line. I try to avoid any reminder of what I used to be like in this area, as it only serves as a reminder of the monster my body has become. In otherwords the subject is too painful to deal with on any level. My sexuality was the first thing endo took from me and by no means did it stop there.
This is a great topic. I do want to say that I had surgery with you in April, my surgery was 8 hours and I had post op pneumonia. I am from Chicago. I wanted to comment on how compassionate you were. Not only did you treat the physical aspects, but, I was having a hard time post operatively and one morning you actually gave me a pep talk and brought in your dog to cheer me up. I thought that was such a caring thing to do. Not many Dr's that I have been to througout my endometriosis ordeal took the time nor gave me anywhere CLOSE to the compassion and support you did. You also took the time to talk to my fiance and me. Not once did you make me feel like you were in a rush (like so many other doctors have) you truly took your time to listen and discuss things. I did feel you had alot of empathy, I really did. I want to thank you for the great care you gave me and for your dedication towards this terrible disease! Just the fact that you have posted this and want to open the discussion about the impact endometriosis has on relationships says so much about how much you truly care. Not too many doctors would take the time to do this! You are a wonderful and caring person. I want you to know how grateful I am for the care you and Dr. Redwine gave me. I am lucky to have gotten the best care out there, I truly am. We need more people like you in this world and on our side!
Forever grateful
Kim
Oh, I will reply back later about the relationship topic
I thought I had responded to this, perhaps I didn't submit... I have heard there is a 27% reoccurrence rate for women who have had surgery for endometriosis. There's the first statistic. Here's my question - for those women who choose to undergo a second surgery, what is the reoccurrence rate for them? And what would be the likely cause? And then, is there a third surgery? Now, I would prefer to hear the answer related to excision surgery. I have heard many women cite the number of surgeries they have had, but it was not based on excision.
Hi Dr. Mosbrucker
You said you felt the need to talk about the emotional component of endo but did not know why. It must be telepathy, or else you are being guided by the same force which brought you to us in the first place. You clearly, genuinely care about your patients and want to do well by them. Bless you. I am a former patient of Dr. Redwine’s, and I have often thought about this same topic and how perhaps, endo surgeons could better help their patients by addressing their other needs. I know that is not your job as surgeons, but I have often envisioned an endo care center where there are psychologists or counselors or even nurse practitioners who understand all the issues surrounding this disease and can therefore help the patients not only to prepare for surgery, but to deal with the emotional issues associated with chronic pain.
I’ve read many stories about women and the intimacy issue and partners who are unsupportive. I used to count myself lucky that my partner was caring throughout our almost twenty year relationship when pain dictated every aspect of our lives from physical intimacy and quiet time, to socializing and grocery shopping. I was at the mercy of pain and could only function when the pain would let me. I read about so many relationships breaking up, and I said to myself that at least I had him when I lost everything else-money, career, friends, hope…. He stood by my side and encouraged me to fight and I did that.
I awoke from surgery to a pain free life, and for the first time in more than two decades I felt hopeful and excited to start our life over and do all the things we couldn’t do before. He expressed the same desire and told me that he was looking forward to building our life together. But alas, endo seemingly had other plans. While still recovering in Bend, I got a phone call from a female friend of my husband’s who had hoped I had not survived the surgery so that she could replace me. In that moment I realized that while I was in pain he had been seeking comfort else where and had lied to me about it. Can I blame someone for not being able to live with someone who endures the type of pain that endo brings? I think not. That person has to be exceptional. I thought my husband was exceptional, but maybe I was mistaken. The family of an endo patient has to be exceptional, and so few of us are.
All I wanted was a chance to live and to enjoy my life and do all the things we dreamed of doing. When you discover that your pain is gone, you just want to get out there and be. You want to make up for lost time. You want to live. Very often, that seems out of your reach because you then have to expend your energy on fixing so much, and nothing is as you knew it before the pain. People change, you have changed, the world didn’t stand still while you were in pain no matter how much that may have seemed in your mind.
When he walked out on me while I was still recovering from surgery and still feeling tired, I felt like I exchanged one set of pain for another. Sometimes the emotional pain can appear worse. You need a doctor for that too. I wish that I could have had someone to talk to about what was happening who was as knowledgeable in their field as Dr. Redwine is in his. I think having that service would enhance the service provided by the expert surgeon. I think you ought to be commended for thinking how you can better help your patients in this area. You’re on the right track.
Hi Dr. Mos,
this is Flavia, from Virginia. I had surgery with you and Dr. Redwine in April. What a great topic to address and again it just shows how wonderful you are to your patients and how much you care about all of us and what we go through.
I did not only have Endo but I have IC and it has been such a challenge to deal with IC pain and to have good relations with my partner. Even though I feel extremely better after my surgery sometimes I get confused when I feel some pain. I get myself thinking"IS this IC or Endo? Even though I know my endo was removed and I don't experience the amount of pain I had before.
When it comes to relationships, I think it is very difficult for our men to understand how much we hurt and how hard it is to learn and deal with a disfunction in your body.
We are still in the process of learning what causes pain and what doesn't when it come to intercourse. However, It has been hard for me. I am starting to get a little afraid to have intercourse because most of the time it hurts a lot after we have it and he feels guilty , thinking he hurt me. Besides, he is my nurse when it comes to getting my instillations done, so it gets to me a little, even though he does a very good job with it. I think the fact that he was present when you explained to me what I had and what needed to be done in terms of treatment really helped him to understand what was happening to me.
There are still a lot to learn but I think it is very important for partners to talk to the doctors as well so they have a full understanding of what their women are going through and how they can help. I think what you are doing is wonderful, I just wish you were not so far from us.
I hope this helps a little, and I will reply more to the topic later.
Thank you again for all you do !!
Kind wishes,
Flavia.
Hi, I'm Christi from MS. I had excision surgery by Dr. Albee from the CEC. I want to comment on your sensitivity to our on-going problems of endo and sex. Yes I said it, sex. It is still somewhat of a sore subject between me and my husband of 21 years. As loving and supportive as he was and still is to the ups and downs of endo, we both realize we mourn the loss of the sexual life we used to enjoy and resent my endo at times for causing it. He feels less of a man because of my lack of wanting sex as often and I feel less attractive because he tries to avoid hurting me when we are intimate. We definitely have become more imaginitive in our sexual encounters and have enjoyed trying other 'ways' of pleasuring one another. But there is still a regret in the back of our minds about the love we could physically show to each other when we were first married that just is not there any more. It seems like when we never had problems with sex, the topic took up about 10% of our private talks. But now that we can't have actual intercourse as often, our private conversations and arguments are 60% of the time about keeping tabs on the when's, where's, how's and number of our sexual times. How unromantic is that! This is a subject that is most urgent to us couples!!!! Thank you for throwing it out there. Hopefully, we can all find some practical help on how to deal with this most sensitive issue regarding endometriosis.
There are MANY emotional components to this disease. It ruins lives, plain and simple. Relationships suffer greatly, not just with partners but with everyone as endo folks don't feel well, are distracted, are down in the dumps, antisocial. I have lost many "friends" over the years, as well as a couple of jobs. My partner has been great, but he has needs and has his moments of frustration as well. No one signs up for this. I think sometimes partners don't believe the level of pain...how could something so bad not have a successful treatment or cure?? Especially if someone has had excision surgery and still continues to have problems. Children suffer with cranky mothers who cannot do anything. Things spiral downward, and I think some women feel they just cannot do anything, or do anything right, and cannot function. This is definitely something that should be brought up in the forefront with your patients. Thank you for caring.
this is to hazel - thank you for writing your story. i am very touched by it. i am very happy to have "my life back" these days and am now dealing with what you have written, not exactly in the same way, but similar. thank you.
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